Here are some clever aviation humor I have seen over the years.
Spitfire Fly Over
A RAF engineering officers joke: Whats the difference between a fighter pilot and his aircraft? The plane stops whining when you shut down the engines.
From a Lufthansa worker who sent this to me. This was the company joke.
Lufthansa Pilot says "Good morning ladies and gentlemen, Velcome aboard the LH162 from Frankfurt to London Heathrow.
I would like to ask you all to fasten your seatbelts, and I only vant to hear one click!"
I ran across this strip while reading an article on AVWeb.
Scottie, from one of my online forums about building web sites, had this happen to him.
Last Monday night, I had to fly to Nashville. Delta had a great deal, so I booked it.
Flight connected through Atlanta... we sat on our runway for 30 minutes waiting for Atlanta to give us the OK to head their way.
Once in the air, we were told to circle east of Atlanta for a while until they could fit us in the queue for landing.
Once on the ground, we sat on the tarmac for 15 minutes until they could clear a gate for us to disembark.
My connecting flight took off before I made it to the concourse train to switch terminals. 3 hours later, I finally got another connecting flight that was (surprise!) late taking off.
Today, I get a press release from Delta.
"We know that being on-time is important to you, and at Delta Air Lines, our goal is to deliver simple, fast and reliable service. One of the ways we hope to achieve this is by adjusting the schedule of flights to and from Atlanta, the world's busiest passenger airport. This means you will have more flight choices and flexibility than ever before when traveling on Delta, beginning January 31, 2005. The new, streamlined schedule includes more than 1,000 daily non-stop flights to nearly 190 domestic and international destinations from Atlanta."
Note: This came to me via friends in an e-mail without providence, however, having flown on Alaska many times, this story has parts that are very similar to some of briefings that I have been given by the very good natured flight attendants of Alaska Airlines
"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the Whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.)
So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."
"Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening.
We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is . . .The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.
There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one "first", and then work your way down.
In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing ---- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane. HELLO !!
There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight .... Hold on, let me check what it is ....Oh here it is; the movie tonight is... "Gone with the Wind."
In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.
We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.
If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?"
After landing..."Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.
Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.
Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens"!!
First Class Vs. Economy - Story about a passenger who thinks she can move her cheap flight economy seat to first class.
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the copilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Houston."
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged with carrying
weapons of math instruction.
Sometimes when we are stressed we forget to think before we key the mike. This
actually happened after the oil line blew.
N1234: Manchester (N.H.) tower Cherokee N12324 is five miles northwest with a total engine failure.
MHT (Using that standard FAA terminology): What are your intentions?
N1234: I intend to land!
MHT (that standard terminology again): Roger, how many souls on board?
N1234: No souls, four heathens.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. STAY OUT OF CLOUDS!!!!! The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There is always something you have missed. Isn't that why they created checklists!
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It is the law and it is not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, the runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. However, there are no old, bold pilots.
26. When you are lost....Climb, Conserve and Confess. (Actual line from the U.S. Navy SNJ training manual.)
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had landed his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
One of the ones I experienced while flying on Western Airlines a long time ago:
I was on a multi-landing flight from Seattle to Phoenix. After a smooth landing the lead flight attendant stood up and gave a welcome to speech saying "Welcome to Denver" and we all looked up at her and stated and stated that we just landed in Boise! After a quick recovery, including laughs by us and her, the quick intermediate stop ended and the plane took off again for the next leg.
On the next landing the pilot really bounced it hard on landing (it felt like it dropped it down 4 feet). This time the stewardess got up and stated: "We are DEFINITELY on the ground in Salt Lake City."
A young and foolish hotshot pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation radio frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching an airfield during the nighttime. Instead of making an official landing request to the tower, he said:
The tower controller switched the field lights off and replied:
Apologies to any German descendants here!
JET TRANSPORT---Der Muchen Overgrossen Biggenmother Das Ist Fliegen
Highenfaster Mit All Der Mach Und Flightenlevels. (Built by Boeing)
PROPELLER---Der Airfloggen Pushenthruster
ENGINE---Der Noisenmaken Pistonpusher Das Turnens Der Airfloggenfan
JET ENGINE---Der Schreemen Skullschplitten Firespitten Smokenmaken
Airpushenbacken Thrustermaker Mit Compressorsqueezen Und Turbinespinnen
Bladenrotors. (Made by Pratt & Whitney)
CONTROL COLUMN---Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Schtick
RUDDER PEDALS---Der Tailschwingen Yawmaken Werks
PILOT---Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Tailschwingen Werker
PASSENGER---Der Dumbkopf Das Est Strappened En Der Baacken Mit Der Other
Dumbkopfs Das Est Expecten To Leave Undgo On Scheduledtimen Und Arriven mit
Der Luggagebags Somplaceneisen
STUDENT PILOT---Der Dumbkopf Das Learnen Fliegen Un Hopen To Jobenfinden Mit
FLIGHT INSTRUCTOR---Der Timenbuilder Mit Less Den 1000 Hrs
Multienginefliegen. Teachen Dumbkopfs To Fliegen Vile Waitenwatchen Fer Der
Letter Mit Der Joboffering Frum United
AIRLINE TRANSPORT PILOT---Das Grosse Overpaiden Und Under Werken
Whinencomplainer Biggen Schmuck Dat Fliegen Mit Das Big Airlinen
PARACHUTE---Der Stringencotten Das Est Usen To Floaten Der Tailschwingen
Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Werker Down To Earthen Ven Der Fliegenwagen Est
FAA---Der Friggenfliegen Dumbkopf Schmucks Das Maken Alder Rulens Und
And of course:
Helicopter - -- Der Flingen Wingen Maschinen mit der Floppen Bladens dot ist
Fliegen by der Dumbkopfs vas iss too Stupiden for Knowen dees Maschinens ees
not Safen ver Fliegen.
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year.
Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the
pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get
you to yell out, but you didn't."
Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
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Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ...I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing!(Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
—Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines
in the sky.
—From an old carrier sailor
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter - - and therefore, unsafe.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ...the pilot dies.Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII:
When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest,
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ..it can just barely kill you.
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crashas possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down.
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
— Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Basic Flying Rules:Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
Sadly, artificial intelligence will probably never be a match for natural stupidity.
— Bill Cox aviation writer.
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You are the chief airplane washer at the company hangar and you:
(1) Hook high pressure hose up to the soap suds machine.
(2) Turn the machine "on".
(3) Receive an important call and have to leave work to go home.
(4) As you depart for home, you yell to Don, your assistant, "Don,
turn it off."
(5) Assistant Don thinks he hears, "Don't turn it off." He
shrugs, and leaves the area right after you.
( 6) Refer to the picture for the results.
As with any occupation, make sure personnel have a clear
understanding of what you are communicating!
Actually happened! Now see the picture of the consequences.
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Aircraft pilots submit maintenance complaints / problems, generally known
After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilot logged problem.
P - The problem logged by the pilot.
S - The solution and action taken by the engineers
P - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P - No.2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - No.2 propeller seepage normal - Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.
P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Livebugs on backorder.
P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.
P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.
P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they are there for!
P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you're right.
P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right and Be Serious."
P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed.
P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they're there for.
P - Noise from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding with a hammer.
S - Took hammer away from midget.
Note: This floats around via e-mail. It supposedly came from Quantas log book entries over many years.
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While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.
Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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While taxiing past aircraft stands, and noticing some passengers boarding the rear entrance of a Finnair DC9, the Captain remarked to the F/O: "Look at all those people disappearing into Finnair."
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Airline123: Airline 123, request a 360 to parking.
Ground: 360 approved, 180 recommended.
Airline123: You've been saving that one for while, haven't you?
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Overclocked House Needs Extreme Cooling
By Brian Briggs
Owensboro, KY - An enterprising young man has managed to run his appliances faster by overclocking the electrical system in his house. Toast gets done faster, beverages get colder and clothes spin dry at the speed of light, well, almost.
Lance Hatler, was irritated with the "measly 60 Hz" that the electric company fed into his house and decided he could do better. "I thought my overclocked computer system is pretty sweet. Why can't I apply the same principle to my house? I mean besides the fire code," questioned Hatler.
After several trips to the emergency room for massive electric shocks, Hatler's house now runs at a blazing fast 900 MHz. Attempts to run the house even faster caused a bit of structural instability and a few minor fires. "My heart stopped one time, but the thought of shredding two by fours in my garbage disposal got the blood pumping again," Hatler recounted.
Hatler believes that keeping America on a 60 Hz standard is part of a conspiracy by electricity producers. "The electric company is trying to keep us in the dark ages," said Hatler. "They've been stuck at 60 Hz since I was born. Moore's law has to take effect some time doesn't it? I heard about one guy who made a generator that pumps out electricity at 2 GHz, but the major electric conglomerates bought him out to keep us going slow."
At 900 MHz, the large amount of excess heat generated by this procedure required Hatler to build a giant heat sink and fan combination which he mounted to his roof. It required some structural reinforcement to bear the load, but now Hatler's home remains a constant, cool 115 degrees summer and winter.
Neighbors have complained about the hurricane-like sounds emanating from his property and the local airport has had to reroute traffic around the airspace above Hatler's home as tremendous wind currents and strange thermal patterns have wreaked havoc on navigation, but other than that the procedure has been trouble-free.
Next on the agenda for Hatler is adding water cooling so he can safely break the 1 GHz barrier. "There's always a network of pipes around the house. I just have to add more tubes," said Hatler. "I just wish I could find a place that would sell thermal compound in 55 gallon drums."
Friends don't understand Hatler's obsession with overclocking, but do enjoy some of the benefits. "Microwave popcorn takes like 5 seconds and I've gotten used to the beersicles," said long time friend Greg Denson. "He has an electric water heater so you want to be careful taking a shower so you don't scald your skin off."
At the time of this report Hatler was under investigation by the FAA, Twin Hills Homeowner's Association, and the Association to Stop Giant Fan Generated Tornadoes.
You know, I heard about this guy awhile back and the main reason he is being investigated by the FAA is due to his house actually levitating off it's foundation and into the approach path of the local airport. Pilots report being very embarrassed by a house that actually climbs better than there planes do. There is a down side to this story though, Mr. Hatler reports that he is still having problem with bringing the house back down to earth. For some odd reason the house does not always land back on it's foundation. This requires the owner/operator to "hop" the house around until it is back on it's foundation. Needless to say this really pisses off his neighbors because like one of them said, "You just never know where the damn contraption is going to land or who it is going to land on!"
I understand the Headquarters for Understanding Hyperlevitation (HUH) has sent a delegation to study Mr. Hatler's house and give recommendations. Their first recommendation was for Mr. Hatler to continue with trying to overspeed his house to 2 Ghz, that way he could also carry a better coolant package plus fly around with it's own foundation so that no matter where it landed Mr. Hatler could it home. Plus this would really help him save on all the wall putty he has to use to help cover up the stress cracks in the walls from all that "hopping" around.
This just in!!!! Boeing last week announced that it has made a major breakthrough in anti gravity propulsion. Rumor has it that Boeing, HUH and Mr. Hatler are working on this project together. It is also reported that the FAA has placed the Twin Hills Neighborhood Association area off limits up to 100,000 FT because as one FAA inspector said, "They know how to take the house off, but stability and control at altitude and landings are still a real "b&*%$"." More later when I hear more.
Some years ago, streams of RAF Vulcan B2s were flying into their base in extremely marginal (English) weather. Once on the ground, and after roll out, each pilot in turn was asked, "What height did you see the runway lights?" Answers such as 250 and 300 confirmed that pilots had landed within safe limits - - all except the last. That radio sequence follows:
XXXXX - - On the runway from approach, which dispersal please.
Tower - - Back to Alpha. At what height did you see the lights, please?
XXXXX - - What lights?
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On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.
But just before he reentered the Lander, he made the enigmatic remark, Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.
"Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
True story? NOT! See Some of the pages concerning Internet Legends. But it is a good story none-the-less.
After "Wrong Way" Corrigan landed in Dublin Ireland on July 18, 1938; the immigration officials were at a loss as what to do about his exit papers when he was ready to fly back to the USA , since he landed without proper papers to enter Ireland. The Prime Minister (PM) came up with a solution.
"As the lad came into the country without any papers, why, just let him go back without any papers."
Bureaucrats were much more realistic back then to obvious solutions.
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One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing, because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah", the fighter pilot remarked, " The dreaded Seven-engine approach."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was
your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine and said he wasn't going to fly the plane till they fixed it" explained the flight attendant.
"It took us a while to find a new pilot."
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.
San Josè Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of
the runway, if able. If not able, take the
Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some
kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
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O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this . . . I've got that Fokker in sight."
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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From a pilot.
"I was in the pattern at FXE one night and I heard an aircraft taxiing out from Banyan Air Service tell the tower that he saw some debris on the taxiway. As the aircraft got closer the pilot said it looked like a pair of goggles on the taxiway. Discussion then ensued between the aircraft, the tower and the security guard in a truck being vectored to the location, about what type of goggles, Scuba, Snoopy type Flying goggles, Foggles etc. Once it was established that they were flying goggles or foggles the controller asked if any other debris was sighted and the pilot said no but he would be on the lookout for any doghouse parts or a beagle on the run."
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"SLED" Pilots talking to the controllers
In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Although they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. "90 knots," Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause.
As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's about 2004.658 mph.)
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000 ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go
up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
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No matter what else happens, fly the aeroplane. Forget all that stuff about thrust and drag, lift and gravity; an aeroplane flies because of money.
It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn' em back off.
A check ride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but still be long enough to cover everything.
Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
Always remember you fly an aeroplane with your head, not your hands.
Never let an aeroplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
Don't drop the aircraft in order to fly the microphone. An aeroplane flies because of a principle discovered by Bernoulli, not Marconi. Stated in a different fashion; "Unskilled" pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand wrapped around the microphone.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger; if you pull the stick back, they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back-then they get bigger again.)
Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!
Everyone already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which
you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing.
It's one after which you can use the aeroplane another time.
The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
IFR = I Follow Roads.
You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.
A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion.
Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
Pilots believe in clean living. They never drink whiskey from a dirty glass.
Things which do you no good in aviation:
Altitude above you.
Runways behind you.
Fuel in the truck.
Half a second ago.
Approach plates in the car.
The airspeed you don't have.
If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.
What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a corpse.
Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a tree what it thinks about dogs.
Trust your captain but keep your seat belt securely fastened anyway.
An aeroplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.
Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge.
If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
The friendliest flight attendants are those on the trip home.
Good judgment comes from experience, and experience, comes mostly from bad judgment.
Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.
Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
The nicer an aeroplane looks, the better it flies. (Absolutely!)
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
It's a good landing if you can still get the doors open.
Passengers prefer old captains and young flight attendants.
The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
If an earthquake suddenly opened a fissure in a runway that caused an accident, the FAA would find a way to blame it on pilot error.
Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. - - It's worse.
It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. - - Step number one: Start with a large fortune.
A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
A fool and his money are soon flying more aeroplane than he can handle.
The last thing every pilot does before leaving the aircraft after making a
gear up landing is to put the gear selection lever in the 'down'
Try to keep the number of landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
A 65 year old man went to the doctor for his Class II exam and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a helicopter pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape. I 'm up well before daylight, climb all over the helicopter doing my preflight inspection, flying all day, etc."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 84 yrs old and, in fact, he built and flies his own airplane and he went flying with me this morning. That's why he's still alive... he's a pilot too!"
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 84 years old and his father is still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "Grandpa is 102 years old and he was a pilot too."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went flying with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he just got married and he's on his honeymoon."
The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 102-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
This came from Barry Schiff's column in AOPA Pilot July 2006.
"I see that you work for the airlines. What do you do? Are you a mechanic?"
"Well, no. I empty the honey buckets. I operate the equipment that removes human waste from incoming aircraft."
"You must get paid plenty to do a job like that."
"Are you kidding? I don't get paid jack."
"Well, at least the benefits must be good."
"Benefits? There aren't any. We have to buy our own medical insurance. Our retirement plan has been terminated. I only get one space-available pass per year for me and my family, and when we try to fly somewhere during my vacation, we always get bumped. The benefits stink."
"So why don't you quit and get a better job somewhere else?"
"What? Leave aviation?"